I wonder sometimes if God made a mistake in the make up of my DNA. I know He didn't ... but sometimes I still wonder. When I was little, I would cry when I saw hurt animals. My best friend and I even formed a club to help animals that were injured - we were young, so our idea was to use band aids and Neosporin.
My brother still doesn't let me live that down.
I would cry when someone was mad at me. I would cry when someone even raised their voice at me - let alone yelled at me.
I spent most of my childhood being called a baby. I was too emotional. I was too sensitive. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time someone called me a baby, I would be a wealthy woman.
I didn't mean to be a baby. I really didn't. But no one would ever tell me how to stop - or what being a baby looked like. All I heard was, 'you're being a baby."
I ended up equating 'baby' with 'sensitive.' I spent the next 10 years of my life literally quizzing all of my friends, trying to find out what was wrong with me. I would ask them what I could differently, what I needed to work on, what would make me a better person. I would call my mom and share with her (and being a mom she always said I just had a fragile heart - like the Grinch at the end of the movie where his heart is three sizes too big and it breaks the box).
Sometimes I prayed God would change my fragile heart into a Titanium heart.
But I wonder sometimes if I would be the same person if I wasn't so sensitive. If I had a Titanium heart, would I still be me? I hesitate to pray for less sensitivity because what if that changes the core of who God made me? A thicker skin, a harder heart - those things would definitely make life easier. Maybe more people would like me. Maybe I wouldn't cry so much. Maybe I would get my feelings hurt less. And maybe, just maybe, no one would ever call me a baby again.
But maybe God made me this way for a reason. Maybe my sensitivity is just compassion. My prayer is that God would reveal the issues in my heart - bad or good - and help me find a way to grow from it.
"Jesus wept." John 11:35
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First of all- You are perfect just the way you are.
ReplyDeleteSecond- We love you
What is ironic is, I am struggling with the opposite problem. I can be cold to the ones I love, shut people out and blame everything on them, and trust me things are muuuuch much harder that way. I am a very emotional person, but I am struggling with ways to channel that emotion, to be able to communicate with my husband. It sounds like we are both kind of going through the same issue, only with the different extremes! We should definitely sit down and chat about this when you get home. I think we could really shed some light on the issues for each other! I want to be a more compassionate person, and always put my husband and family first. That's the way it should be, you are doing just fine :).